15 Years

Again, another space of time has occurred since I have blogged…no excuses…just a space of time.

Oddly, fifteen years ago today, at 98 pounds, spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially bankrupt, I entered a drug rehab facility for the first time to address my crystal meth addiction. Kind of a funny phrase, actually: “to address my meth addcition”. I suppose I addressed it every time I got a bindle, loaded a pipe and put it my mouth to inhale. I guess the correct term should be I entered rehab to try and find a way to get clean and not use drugs.

Also oddly, I had a sober using dream night before last. And by “sober using” I mean a dream in which everything is ready to go, except for one component, the mirror breaks, the lighter won’t light, the pipe won’t draw, or breaks, or as was the case night before last: I couldn’t get the drug off the mirror into the pipe and when I did, I cooked it so fast it just blackened the pipe. And as is always the case, I feel such of frustration, and then I awake and realize it was just a dream…and I am relieved.

Many things have changed in last 15 years…I have been clean off meth for 8.5 years, but just celebrated my actual clean date five days ago because I used the marijuana maintenance plan for 18 months to ease my self off the narcotics. Not really a practice I would suggest. In a way, all that I once was then is certainly gone…but yet I am still that man. I am some of my past, not the sum of my past.

Things are well in my life. I deal with life on life’s terms.

However, today. I am feeling an overwhelming sense of sadness, yet I know it is temporary. Just got home after viewing “Hungarian Rhapsody – Queen LIVE in Budapest”. And it affected me so. Don’t know if it was the song “Friends Will Be Friends” or seeing Freddie Mercury in all his prime or what.

But this is what recovery brings to me. I get to feel my emotions…even if I don’t understand them and don’t have to knock back what I am feeling with drugs or alcohol.

Life is such a great adventure…with it’s ebb and flow of accomplishment and downfall. I am not so sure if I hadn’t altered the course I was on 15 years ago that I would be here today, yammering on this blog.

I will try to keep up with this yammering on….

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