Monthly Archives: May 2013

W. T. F.

There is a certain cyclical looping to my life. It used to be more drastic dramatic then it is now…whether age or a drug free existence has mellowed it, who knows. I still get bitchy-itchy feisty during certain months.

Since my late teens, late May was always been a time of flight for me, with September coming in second as a month of shift.

Moving, running, cutting ties, changing scenery. Usually across country or across town, mostly fueled by my abandonment issue: me fleeing because of a broken relationship/situation from heartache or me giving the ole “FUCK YOU” to an employment situation or friendship. After a time the geographical shifts stopped, but the minor change of jobs or housing always occurred in May.

As I maintain clean time and sobriety, and developed a “normal” routine…certain upheavals of my younger days have subsided. That is not to say that I don’t still get severely geeked out at various times of the year. Maybe it’s my quarterly period.

Oddly, at other times of the year when the gibbous moon is waxing I am in turmoil, yet in May the approaching full moon brings me peace.

This has been a rough one, this May 2013.

Heap it onto an already depressive sort of mood and the bottom just seems to fall out.

I have been neglecting the gym and not getting my usual endorphin surge. So that may be the key…or a reason to my angst. I know exercise is my antidepressant. So I have to return. I have been doing weekly workouts, but not the every other day intensity that I had been doing for the last few years.

There are situations in life and on the horizon that need to be dealt with, yet I know I must ride through this rough right now and new days will dawn and all this turmoil will be in the past.

I dreamt of him again last night. Not in anger, sadness or conflict…but like it was years ago when the innocence of our love had yet to be spoken. His face was bright with a smile as I looked at him. There was laughter, warmth and happiness. We were as one as we were then. It was bliss. I felt connected to him again.

I woke up to reality and the yearning. I miss him. I want to share these things again. With him. Yet I know that will never be.

…may blow around you. But that will always be so.”

Winds of change are in the air again or for always? It used to be for me that May was always a time of tremendous change… major geographic changes, friendships dissolving, employment extinguished.

Seems I have become too comfortable with my status quo.  It’s not really that the status is unacceptable, it just seems I have become complacent. Accepting of the mundane when I know I am capable of greater heights. And so, facing my fear and insecurity head on, it’s time to shake things up…toss it all in air…see where it all lands. 

“But now’s the time to look and look again at what you see,
Is that the way it ought to stay?”

ya, ok. I got the Led in my head.

“Then as it was, then again it shall be. And although their course may change sometimes…rivers always reach the sea.”