Layers of an Onion

 

Disturbia ~

What’s wrong with me?
Why do I feel like this?
I’m going crazy now.

Out my life, out my head
Don’t wanna think about it
Feels like I’m going insane
Yeah

It’s a thief in the night
To come and grab you
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the mind
It can control you
It’s too close for comfort

I have heard “Enjoy the moment you’re in…it will be over shortly”   Um, ya, ok.  Peculiar how joyous moments seem to fade fleetingly while  moments of anguish toil for days (years?)

Some sayings in recovery just piss me off, probably because they ring so true.

Peeling the layers of onion…

My delusional, dsyfucntional thinking. I have always said my drinking and drugging weren’t the issues. They were the by products of my ill thinking resulting in consequences.

Life.

Two days after celebrating my ninth year free of narcotics and my 50th birthday the next day, I  faced  a truth I have known for a while, but have just not been dealing with or admitting too. Such is denial.

It really wasn’t an AHA! moment. It is all wrapped around and rooted in my core issue.

Like those first days of making the decision to stop using drugs, I am uncomfortable, overwhelmed,  feel awkward. I am depressed, sad, angry, humiliated, feel defeated…but then at the same time I am feeling rushes of excitement  as new energy begin to fill the dark recess with a new light and thought process.

I guess in a way this will be easy…HA!  ya, ok. I have been through all of this before, just not dealing with this particular issue. There will be times when I feel like I want to go back and hold on to this old thinking…but I have to keep focused that no matter how difficult the pain of change may seem it’s far better than the pain of staying in this dysfunctional mind set.

Maybe in six months after I get past all this discomfort, I will elaborate more about this particular issue.

Until then I’ll just keep peeling at the layers of this onion.

 

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