Not surprisingly, I find that the longer I maintain a clear head thru clean time and sobriety, an enlightenment, understanding or insight keeps breaking thru what was once a dark spot or dysfunction in my thinking.
A theme that keeps reoccurring is how I have, in an almost obsessive way, focused on the people who treat me with disregard and neglected the ones who express a genuine regard for me.
I see this going back to the core issue instilled with the abandonment by my father thru divorce, and then death.
In high school, I sought the attentions of a classmate I had a crush on and that rejection fueled the issue and I began to ease the pain thru self medication of weed and alcohol.
Thru Facebook, I have reconnected with high school classmates, some more intensely than others, but with most of them I realize that I was blind to the fact of our friendship.
There is one particular relationship that developed in my life 7 years after high school where this theme of obsessing on ‘the one (that wasn’t) is so glaring to me now and I am still working thru it…but am not really ready to discuss that at this time.
As of late, I have become aware of people expressing a genuine regard, a caring/energy for me.
It is happening in Minneapolis and it is happening here in Palm Springs. Folks who express a genuine interest, caring, love for me.
I have spent years focusing on the ones who treated me with disregard, blind to the ones treated me with regard.
It is such a sense of warmth and happiness as I now begin to see this and can recognize the beauty of the ones who express sincerity and begin to let go of those who don’t.
It is this warmth, happiness…this peace of mind I acheive that I never had when I was under the influence of drugs and alcohol…it is these lessons, these moments of enlightenment that keep me on the path of a non-chemical life.